


Lost

by lunatica



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Drama, F/F, Family, Friendship/Love, Inspired by "All That Matters", One Shot, Pre-Volume 6 (RWBY), Romance, i luv her so much, someone help my lost bee T__T, yeah guys the Yangst is real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 03:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15330630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunatica/pseuds/lunatica
Summary: Raven’s gone once again and Blake’s back. Between the two of them, Yang’s not ready to deal with all the emotional drama that their presence (or lack of it) brings into her life.





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This was made the day "All That Matters" came out as a tribute to Jeff Williams and Casey Lee, but I only managed to post it now (sorry!). God, they're just so good, this song's just SO BEAUTIFUL, and I'm just so grateful for their work *-----*

   Yang couldn’t help but take a second look at the mirror before her only to divert it somewhere else, away from the offending object. The Battle of Haven was finally over; yet it still eluded her, as she chanced another glance at her own reflection, if it had cleared their doubts more so than not.

_What have they accomplished? What was the purpose of the relic? Why was Salem after it?_

All these questions kept being rapid shot like fire dust ones in her head, incapable of toning them down, as she sustained her gaze.

   Her face, for one, looked warned down, while her entire body ached from the fatigue of the fight. She was away from the battlefield for far too long ─ Yang hesitantly admitted to herself ─, and this time had obviously taken its toll on her. It just wasn’t the same as training with her father, as much as he had put real effort into helping her get in shape again; and it showed in her performance while fighting Mercury.

   They had gotten _home_ not very long ago; well, at least Team RWBY, the remaining members of Team JNPR, her uncle, and the boy ─ Oscar. Her heart suddenly ached when this thought brought memories of her beautiful friend; they were all so young and new to the more somber aspects of the world they once had found they knew so well… Pyrrha was the one to deserve the least what had happened to her during the Fall. She was always so gentle, so quick to offer comfort, help, and warmth… it almost seemed to Yang as if the world got its kick out of treating kind people the worst.

   Yang was unsure of the whereabouts of the other people who were present at the Battle. She still wasn’t aware of where her partn… ─ _no_ ─ where _Blake_ had gone with Sun, that girl tagging along with them, her… parents (it was so strange to think of Blake’s family. Perhaps that’s because she had never mentioned them before, but still…); and she had a lot on her mind to worry about as it is, so she didn’t pry. After all, it isn’t as if Blake didn’t know how to take care of herself, she thought bitterly, yet relieved all the same.

   Nonetheless, as soon as they got to the place they were staying, Qrow readily had wanted to know more about what had happened down there in the Vault, but Ruby insisted that it would be better to leave all the talking for tomorrow ─ bless her little sister; they were all collapsing with exhaustion as it is. She still didn’t know if Rubes had sensed her disheartening, increasing need to isolate herself, or if it was a general request.

    _Home_. She remembered having used this term to describe their current resting place.

   It was almost a joke how she could think like that. Ultimately, she couldn’t recall a single time when she did have one; it was always ripped away from her in one way or another.

_Just like happened with mom… with Beacon._

The thought hung heavily in the air for several seconds.

   Time and again she lost the feeling of safety and security she placed in people around her, except that she should have been smarter the second time around (and the third), she should’ve known better. Summer didn’t choose to die, but everyone else had chosen to go away after the Fall; she should have learned by now that it didn’t do any good putting your heart on the line like she always insisted on doing. And the worst is, it wasn’t even on purpose. It just seemed to happen every time without her really knowing.

    _Well. It’s like they say, right? The first time isn’t your fault, you couldn’t possibly have known; two’s ok; frustrating, though ok. Thrice? It’s already too much, yet it still happened. But,_ nope _, not anymore. Not gonna happen_ ever _again._

After all, she _did_ learn some things with her time healing from the wounds that ran deeper than the loss of a limb. She _had_ promised herself she would never, _ever_ again rely on other people again. Not with her happiness, not with her struggles, not with her desires…

   Extending her hand to touch her image, Yang wondered, at that moment, what people thought when they saw that face; it’s most certainly not what _she_ sees in herself, for sure.

    _And what do you see? Huh?! What?!_

She lost track of the strength she was putting in her sudden tight grasp on the mirror, and the _crack!_ that filled the dreadful night was the only warning she got before her whole reflection stared back at her, fissures everywhere; her eyes began to water. She didn’t know which came out first, the chuckle or the deep sigh that left her lips.

    _Well, I guess this is only fitting._

   … Bold, bright, forward, sweet, gentle, stubborn, strong, reliable, resilient… She had heard it all, she had _felt_ it all. But where was that girl now? Before going to Beacon, Yang used to think that everything from then on would fall into place. She had thought she would find her biological mother, get the answers she was looking for, and maybe… maybe mend the once broken bonds between them. Oh, how _naïve_ she had been...

   However, that was _before_ she truly met Raven, _before_ she was left _one more time_. And this time around, her mom had left her knowing that she could very well die in the journey to come, in this saga she wasn’t even sure was about; that much she was sure her mom knew.

_She just doesn’t care, why keep hoping? What’s the point? Why don’t just give up already?_

    “Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”

   In a burst of rage, she punched the object reflecting all the emotions she fought deep inside herself           to bury. It is true; she no longer associated the idea of home, happiness, pleasure, or strength with other people; but plainly, straightforward rejection still hurt like hell.

   She couldn’t feel her skin cutting as the shards fell onto the ground, shattering in even smaller bits; the cybernetic arm shining as if untouchable in the fragmented moonlight. She stared at it with anger burning in her red eyes for a while, before closing it into fists and returning to her side. She averted her gaze to the opposite side of the room, like the weight of the guilt she felt overcoming her then was too much to bear. Her eyes clanked shut as the tears fell turbulently down her face.

   Yang could never, ever be angry at this development in her life. She lost her arm trying to protect Blake, and there’s absolutely nothing she would mind losing if it meant keeping her alive. She would take the nightmares anytime over seeing Blake hurt like that again, over doing nothing as some psychopath ─ _no, Adam_ ; she corrected herself ─, as Adam tried to kill her. She would take the phantom pain, the post-traumatic stress disorder, the loneliness she had felt all those months ago... If it all meant keeping her safe.

_Blake…_

   She had to take a seat on her bed. It just was so _damn_ hard…

   Yang covered her face as an anguished sound left her lips. She didn’t know how to feel about Blake being back in her life so suddenly; she _wasn’t ready_ , _dammit_! Yang was obviously going to accept her back, what else could she do? Blake was part of the team, and the team wasn’t made of her alone. Ruby, Weiss… both must be ecstatic to have their strayed, once again found, teammate back.

   Recalling the moment she saw her before jumping into the Vault, she thought Blake looked different than Yang remembered her. All these months apart seemed to have changed her for the better, the same that had happened with Weiss. It looked as if the two of them had grown to become more… balanced, like they both had made peace with themselves, accepted themselves for who they were. Her _partn…_ ─ it kept evading her conscious how she should think of Blake as her _ex-partner_ ─ seemed to have lost some of her lean muscles, as if she hadn’t been fighting as much as she previously used to. Her hair looked like it had grown a little longer, her smile, softer; and her eyes… Gods, her eyes were just the same. And Yang? Yang was just _so_ _not_ prepared to see her again.

   Her heart constricted when she thought about being so near Blake again, yet so far away. She wanted nothing more than to just hug her so tight, like naught ever happened; but it _did_ happen, and she couldn’t just let it slide.

   She felt so incredibly confused. All the time they spent together meant so much to her. As the two of them grew closer, she could also notice all the little things that changed in her partner… ─ ex-partner. Namely, the more time passed, the more she would open up about herself and her past; the more she would let people in. With time, Blake was starting to become less stressed and charged with negativity, instead turning into something entirely new. She refused to belittle herself ─ Yang knew very well how much more cheerful Blake would get by her side. The two of them were a good influence on each other, two sides of the same coin balancing one another in their flaws.

   So, she could _not_ , for the life of hers, figure out why the hell she had left.

_Why?!_

_Why, dammit!_

   She wanted to scream from the top of her lungs. She thought they were _partners_. They were supposed to be together, meant to share their burdens, to help each other through troubled times! But, yeah, Yang knew that was simply what Blake was like; Yang knew how she tended to evade her problems by running away from them. But hadn’t she learned once and for all that when you don’t confront your matters head on they always come back later to bite you?

   After everything they had shared ─ all the nights stayed up studying, telling jokes, sharing secrets, desires, stories… everything! Why had she left?

 _Why?!_ An answer she desperately sought while bedridden. This thought made a surge of anguish course though her body, leaving a foul taste in her mouth.

   It seemed to be the one to plague her mind day after day, night after night. Why Summer? Why had Raven left her and her dad? Why Pyrrha? Why did Blake leave?

If Yang were to be honest, though, she knew all along that they weren’t always going to be by each other’s side; that’s just how life is. They would have things of their own to take care of, and then it would only be understandable to part ways temporarily. However, in her mind, they were always going to get back together at the end.

   Yet she indistinctly wanted Blake by her side as much as her partner was able to afford. It was painstakingly obvious to anyone how much she had grown fond of Blake over time, admittedly to the point where she could say she needed her ─ very much so. Especially after the Fall, when she spiraled down in a more sinister phase, willing herself to face the hard road to recovery. Still, Yang _never, ever_ asked her to commit her life to her.

    _But still… she had to know, right?_

   Blake _had_ to know how Yang would feel. She had to know. There was not a single soul in the world Yang trusted as much as she did Blake, at least aside from Rubles. She had to know how important her presence was.

   Suddenly, all the hidden smiles, the shared glances, the little touches came back to her. Every single one of them.

   Yang didn’t have the mirror anymore, but if she had to take a guess, she would say her eyes were crimson red. How could she be _so_ stupid? She let her body fall on her back onto the bed before hugging the pillow as tight as possible, a sudden thought rushing to the front of her mind ─ seemingly engraving itself in her entire existence. If she could compare this moment to any other, she would say she was feeling as if lightning had struck her. And though she had never been hit by one (that was more like Nora’s thing), the impression still seemed strangely accurate.

   Of course, she had noticed the growing feelings for Blake, but Yang had never, ever thought about how deep they ran. Never in her life had she fallen in love before. How could she? She didn’t have the time ─ having to be the sturdy pillar which sustained the house, and taking care of her family, when Summer died. Then finding out about Raven, focusing on her training in Signal Academy… How could she know what it felt like to be in love? Raven had left her dad after she was born; she was too young to see the passion in her parents’ relationship, and then Summer was gone. She didn’t even need to mention Qrow. None of her friends were in a relationship. How could she have known what it was she was feeling? Yang didn’t even know if she _believed_ in romantic love.

 _I_ can’t _believe it, it was just so painstakingly obvious! Fuck!_

However, now crying the night off in her bed, alone, she could see all the little ways she had fallen in love with Blake. How she seemed to stop only to stare at her face for apparently no reason at all, just because. How she would relish in the other girl’s closeness; the way the hairs on her arms would stand up at more intimate touches, and the little current of electricity that happened to cross her body at times like that. It was just so obvious now. How could she not have seen that coming?

   Only that realization made their situation ten times worse. Could she really have expected Blake to have stayed all those months ago? Was it even fair without her newfound feelings?

   “Aaaaaaaaaaargh! Forget it! It doesn’t even matter anymore, she doesn’t feel the same way, you idiot.”

   That’s right, isn’t it? She wouldn’t have left if she happened to like Yang back; you can’t possibly leave someone you love behind when they are at their utmost vulnerable, right?

   However, the truth ran even deeper than all these doubts, which threatened to emerge all at once. If Yang was going to be even more honest with herself, she was going to have to admit that thinking Blake would just up and leave her like that would never have crossed her mind _at all_ before.  

_Come on, it’s absolute bullshit!_

   Without even leaving a trace behind so Yang would at least know she was fine?! It already sufficed! It would at least mean that Blake actually gave a damn about her fear of being once again left behind. And perhaps she could even have found Blake and helped her through whatever was going on in that head of hers?

 _Bullshit_.

_But… well, when did life actually soften the punches for you?_

It was always so confusing with Blake! She didn’t know what to expect anymore – at times she was there, and the next she was not. She wanted to be mad at her, yet the look she had seen in the young woman’s eyes when she saw Yang again for the first time in months was so… she didn’t even know how to begin describing. She also didn’t think _she_ was going to be able to look away for the life of hers if it wasn’t for Ruby. What she had seen in Blake’s eyes made her want to just forget everything and fall into her arms ─ hold, or be held, it didn’t even matter. Even remembering that moment, now, got her hoping again she would just believe any lies that rolled off her lips, without even looking back; that’s just how far gone she was. After all, she _was_ back, and that’s all that matters, right?

    _But did she? Did she_ really _come back? Because she didn’t even know who she would find here. Blake didn’t mean to return… at least not to her team, not now_.

   Her heart made a weird thing in her chest right then. It beat faster and then abruptly stopped; the painful pull she felt following close behind.

    _Yet that look… It was almost like she didn’t even know where to start…_

Doing what, Yang could only fantasize. But she knew what she wanted her to do. She wanted to see Blake apologizing; she wanted to have her feelings validated, romantic or not, dammit! She was a _person_ , and she was _so tired_ of having to take the punches and not addressing the issue until everything settled down ─ the same that happened to her with Summer, then her dad, and Raven.

   But not anymore. She’s come a long way by herself and that just proved to her how truly strong she really is. She’s proud of herself, and absolutely no one could take that away from her. Even with the despair she felt inside of her now, deep down she knew that, independent of the outcome, she would be able to overcome it the same way she did with anything else in her life, _and_ come out of it even stronger.

   She made herself sit up, looking all the while to the ceiling just to be diverted to Mistral’s clear night sky. The ampleness of the dark blue covering the top portion of Remnant was enough for her to recall the beginning of their time together when she would reach out to her, during their nightly routine, by being playful. She could feel tension rolling off her partner in waves ─ like she had committed sins that needed a lifelong sentence of suffering to compensate her wrongdoings ─, but Yang’s humor would alleviate some of it. It all was more funny and dramatic to her than anything else, but not to Blake, who always guarded her past mistakes very tightly in her chest. So she treaded it gently and carefully, because if it mattered that much to Blake, than it should be just as golden to her too.

   At that time, she used to think she could give the other girl the freedom she needed to just fly around and see from above the beauty of life she was losing by being trapped in that self-inflicted angst of hers. That she would be able to pull her away from the shadows.

   Yes, Yang always knew how bright Blake could shine if she only allowed herself; and that was why she tried so hard all the time, believing she would be the one to give her the push she so obviously, desperately needed. Blake had a pure heart and soul that, sadly, had seen and endured enough suffering for a lifetime, which only led her to make the right choices at the wrong time, with the wrong people.

 _That_ ’s why she was always dragging Blake along on whatever frivolous situation she managed to get herself into. She wanted the other girl to experience as most fun as one could get before they both had to grow up and take on real life’s responsibilities.

   And maybe that explains why she _still_ felt so strongly about her. She wanted to help preserve all the good she could see – and that truly existed inside her. If she could, Yang certainly would slip in the middle of every harm that could come to her. Moreover, _that_ ’s also why she would accept her back. She couldn’t just _not_ be there for her, she didn’t know how; and with Blake being so close now... She actually didn’t _want_ to.

   But the more she thought about that, the more controversial she felt within herself. There’s this part, which wanted to be close because of whatever might happen in the future, just to protect her from whatever danger that might lurk around the corners; it had a strong opposition rebelling from inside. The latter didn’t want anything to do with her; she had been proved she couldn’t count on Blake. That’s the one constant in her life ─ there’s no one you should rely on besides yourself.

   Yang got up from the bed altogether and let her hands hug her face firmly. With her eyes shut tight, she let one more final tear run down her face, her heart now _thudding_ in her chest. It’s so sad to think about all this; she didn’t like feeling this way, she had _never_ felt this way. It was an entirely new kind of heartbreak to her ─ throwing her pride on the floor like this and just waiting for her unsparing teammate to stomp all over it, taking everything in strides. But what else could she do? She couldn’t help but love her, Yang didn’t know anything else.

   Albeit thinking about that only got her tearing up again.

    _Final, huh? I thought I was done with the tears. I guess I was wrong again…_

She felt completely and utterly defeated, knowing she would just be risking her heart once again, committing the very mistakes that led her to where she’s right now. And for what? Someone that didn’t even care. What would Blake think if she saw Yang now? Because she’s feeling like a joke (in a bad, _very_ bad way) ─ and for somebody that appreciates them so much, that’s a high contrast.

   Now she didn’t think that it even mattered anymore whether Blake knew about her romantic feelings; if she left like she did, then it must have not been a big deal for her, platonic or not, and that’s it.

   She pressed her hand to her heart in a futile attempt to ease the pain there.

_Why does she have to be so hard to pin down?_

   A long sigh left the young woman’s mouth.

    _Ok, Yang. Pull it together, you’re done. You can’t keep agonizing like this, just do something about it already._

   Yeah, and that’s exactly what she was going to do. She was going to try her hardest to forget about these feelings, and be the friend Blake needed by her side. And then, only then, she was going to see where that led them.

   But just as this thought crossed her mind, a few slow knocks resounded in the room. Yang made holes in the door with the magnitude of her stare. She thought she had genuinely made it clear she wanted to be left alone for tonight.

   “… Yeah?” she tried. However, it seemed that there were knots in her throat and it got out more like a whisper. She cleared her throat and controlled her breathing, then tried once again. “Yeah? Come in.”

   What she didn’t expect was to see Blake hugging her own arms as the door opened, with dripping tears running down her face, and the ears atop her head almost touching her hair. Her ex-partner caught sight of the broken glass lying on the floor, before slowly, but surely, moving her gaze to her; Blake’s face betraying how she, probably, could detect the sour mood she found herself in, giving her anxious expression.

   The thought that Blake could have heard everything ─ the crying, her voiced doubts and anguish, made her become paralyzed with uncertainty. She wasn’t ready for someone to intrude in a moment of vulnerability like this again, like Weiss had managed to do not long ago; and she _certainly_ wasn’t ready for Blake to know about the depth of her feelings for her.

   “Can…” she had never heard her voice sound so vulnerable like this before. Yang wondered how her own face looked like, because she truly couldn’t discern all the feelings running through her more than a second long. The other girl carried on, her voice cracking in the end.

   “Can we talk? Please?”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to do something more sentimental, like explosivesky, AeschylusRex, or justaddfiction do (by the way, if you haven't checked their work, be sure to do it as soon as possible, it's the best thing ever.) Unfortunately, I'm only starting to post now, and don't have this capability yet. BUT someday my name will be alongside theirs, I sincerely hope. After all, I do admire their writing quite a lot.  
> I'm a sucker for Yang in any way possible, she's just my favorite of all times ever for a plethora of reasons. I wish there were more fictions about her relationship with Raven, though. I like her so much, too *-------------* and people don't give her, or their relationship, enough credit. It's beautiful. Not as things are now, or as they once have been (with Raven having left Tai and Yang, and all), it's just beautiful in the way it has the potential to become (if my predictions don't actually come true, because then it'll be very unfortunate for my love for Raven's character).  
> That being said, I hope you guys enjoyed the reading :D I hope you have a great day wherever you are.  
> \\\\_//_


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